Thankful for motherhood.

My kids have made me the person who I am today.

They have taken me away from social insecurities that were harmful to my health - I still battle at times and go through the motions, but keep them private. I'm told I'm too 'secretive' for my lack of wanting to shout about it. 

My kids have given me courage and strength in ways I never thought I'd gain the quality, they've made me fierce, loving and hopeful. 

They both don't know it yet, as they're too young, but they have given me purpose, reason to strive. The momentum to keep on going no matter what. They are my life, my world, my heart and soul. 

There growth from day to day astonishes  me, I watch upon them as they learn new things, and from themselves I also learn new things. 

Forget wine bars, social gatherings, festivals and shoe shopping, those past times are dust. 

Midnight feeding smiles, morning cuddles, messy food, playtime, the noise of toy fire engines, soaked bathroom floor at bath time, no time for myself as all my energy is invested into my beautiful children. All that is gold dust, this is what makes my heart beat every day, no one can touch that kind of special feeling ever. 

17th February 2011, I found out I was going to be a first time mum, October 26th 2011 I officially became a mother, I gave birth to my first born Riley, weighing 6lbs 7oz. 

On 28th November 2012 I found out i was expecting again, sadly at 3 months pregnant the baby died, and became an angel on 25th January 2013.

 4th June 2013 I then found out I was expecting, I was terrified of losing another baby, I had complications, I severely haemorrhaged, I had placental insufficiency, my baby was struggling to grow, after a complicated and stressful pregnancy I gave birth to my premature rainbow miracle baby 13th January 2013, Harley, weighing 5lbs 5oz.

I am thankful for everything I have endured to have these beautiful happy children in my life, they have taught me so much, made me a better version of myself, and kept me strong at my weakest moments. 

I was raised as a catholic although I don't practice religion, I do say a prayer for my children to keep them safe, and healthy. And I thank god for blessing me with the opportunity of motherhood, and these beautiful sons I raise. Snots, tantrums and dirty nappies included. I wouldn't trade any of this for love nor money, not for one single heartbeat. 

Green with envy.

I've just finished reading 'The not so invisible woman' written by Suzanne Portnoy. 

I'm not even sure if I like her book or just hate her now - seriously, after reading all her exploits I feel like my now non-existent sex life, which once when it was there i thought was pretty colourful, nah I ain't got shit on her!

I had to put the book down multiple times! I couldn't read about her multiple orgasms and very descriptive wording of her sexual partners without wanting to smack her in the face - why? Jealous! 

Not only did she lead a truly colourful and  very much interesting life, she pretty much had it all, all with no fucking strings! 

I kept thinking back and comparing my own relations.. Oh yeah there was that one time, and then, had to stop, I'm too young to be conforming to a lifestyle of plain and uniformed. 

I need to tighten my belt and let loose I think... Obviously not slutting around. 

Just pull out the sexy lingerie. After all after having 2 kids my own body is in pretty good shape. If I were a bloke, I'd do me. 

This Suzanne did have some oddball encounters which I'm proudly happy to announce I'm not envious of, it's shows also every dog has its day, so to speak.

But she has lifted the shy sexual goddess from within me, and replaced it with a more raunchier spontaneous persona. Well with the way my brain is ticking I've not yet acted upon these emotions, but when i dust off the cobwebs and start bumping and grinding, ill probably blog about it too, see if it was worth the jealous thoughts or even if I can go that one step better, -idealism! There you go, even I can't escape it. Motherfucker! 

Idealism.

                                

Why do we the British public obsess over idealism? - it's because as the magnificent Brits we are, we're so  f̶u̶c̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ competitive, we're over achievers naturally at heart, were drawn to perfection. 

There's a few reading this shaking their heads 'oh no I'm not this kind of person' - bullshit! Stop kidding yourself. 

Society itself is becoming even more so elite every day that passes. Taking that trip down the supermarket in your lounge clothes day are over, as if men aren't seen primed, groomed and looking straight out of a shop window - and women not lacquered, fresh faced with a polished appearance. - sorry mate even grandma Ethel over there in the cream cake aisle is judging your under prepared  to societies standards. 

Expectations are reeled in from hand selected reality television personalities, ironically though a lot of them are d̶u̶m̶b̶ of the same personality. We now have 12 year old asking their parents for 'vajazzles'!? -what the fuck happened to my little pony?

'Twerking' - when you've seen a kid as young as 5 that can move her ass better than me, I thank god every day I have two boys, because I know I would not be able to handle that shit. 

People of all calibre and 'social classes' seek perfection. 

Whilst there is nothing wrong with wanting to  better yourself/life and be better than ever before, it can also lead you down a long and lonely road of depression, loneliness, gluttony and much more unwanted emotional turmoil.

The unwanted effects generally only seem to come into place when you've either had to much of something and forgotten the people who were there for you, t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶u̶r̶n̶e̶d̶p̶s̶y̶c̶h̶o̶ ̶b̶i̶t̶c̶h̶p̶o̶p̶u̶l̶a̶r̶i̶t̶y̶ c̶r̶a̶z̶y̶ now they're  gone. - or you've put yourself into a debt situation. 

The effects can be devastating! Parents taking loans out to satisfy they're children's wants because they've seen it on television?! Yes I know the element of guilt when it comes to your precious offsprings eternal happiness- meanwhile.. rule of thumb, you can't afford it, don't get it. 

Fashion, lifestyle, attitude, food, physical body, excursions, literature, income, working title, popularity status, social reputation, king of Vodka, queen of the a̶n̶n̶o̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ rubix cube.. The need to be top of the game lists is endless.  

As a nation were never f̶u̶c̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ happy, we'll always seek to be better, do better and strive for perfection, even if we got to our own personal view of perfection, something would reach out and make us want more. Be more. 

Nothing wrong with aiming high, just remember to keep your feet on the ground, a smile on your face and NEVER! Go against your own morals and beliefs, if you forget who you are as a person on your journey to 'perfection' then it was never worth it to start with.

If your seeking other things because somebody else believes its what you should do or your b̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶e̶p̶following the crowd, you're lying to yourself and will have failed your 'm̶i̶s̶s̶i̶o̶n̶' goal before you have even started. 

Truly in life the things that are not 'perfect' will be the most rewarding. 

So don't be miserable in hope to find 'perfection', have fun and enjoy what you've got as what brings you joy and laughter and self worth is real perfection.